I want to connect.
We’re doing this nutrition challenge at Max’s gym, and Max and I thought it would be a good idea for the both of us to do it to get back in our normal routine of things. For a long time we both were really good at saying 'no' to a lot of things in order to stay on track to our goals— in regards to going out to eat or attending social outings centered around food and booze.
Recently though, we have been eating out a lot together and saying ‘yes’ to social things. This isn’t a bad thing... let me back-track for a moment.
Max and I had a tough first year of our relationship.
Although we never fought/had any true unhappiness, we didn't spend much time together. The both of us were really busy with our own lives and in the swing of happiness via our own independences. He was extremely selfish and focusing on being a better competitor, and I was extremely selfish and focusing on starting my own business. We didn't have date nights. We didn't bond over a bottle of wine. We didn't go to the movies. We didn't spend much time together aside from cuddling and sleeping. It was a mutual understanding that both of us were busy and focused on our goals— goals that didn’t align with foodie habits and booze. I loved this about our relationship (still do). “FINALLY!” I thought, “Someone I love not wanting to bond over the things that stress me out and take me from my goals?! INCREDIBLE!”. But it definitely started to affect me as time went on. I started feeling a lack of connection. Most of his mornings started at 4am, mine too. Busy, long days... mine too. A two hour gap before bed at 9:30pm... mine too. There wasn’t much time to focus on each other and date each other. Not with the goals we had and the time & energy it required from us.
So I asked more of him.
I let him know that I needed more time. I wasn't sure how to bond outside of fitness-ing or eating out together. So I pushed for us eating out.
We started going out on date nights or with friends out to eat. And yes, we bonded.
Yes, the reality seemed better for that period of time.
But what happened when we stopped eating out during this nutrition challenge?
I didn’t want to stop going out to eat. I tried to convince him why we should still be allowed to eat out on the weekend or justify with every/any thing I could come up with.
It wasn't because I wanted to go out to eat.
It wasn't because I enjoyed eating out.
It wasn't because I didn't care about my current aesthetic goals.
It was because I was so terrified that we would end up not spending time together again.
It was because I was fearful that we wouldn't have alone time outside of bed time again.
It was because I was worried that we would love each other less.
That was the reality I was creating and holding onto. "If we just keep going out to eat-- I have his full attention, we're alone, and we can talk about our week/work/friends/how good this food is. We can bond."
What's the REAL story here? What was I ACTUALLY craving?
And I needed to voice that. So I did. And now the question isn’t about whether we’re going to eat out or not (we won’t because it aligns with our goals) it’s... how are we going to reshape that time together? What is going to be our ”thing” that requires alone time, play, enjoyment, bonding, and conversation?
I have a few ideas. And I’ll update through here as we go I’m sure... but this is life.
This is something that is asked of us if we have serious goals. This is something that we need to navigate and work together on. Life is going to require the two of us to continue to reshape our relationship.
I‘m lucky that I have someone as honest & dedicated to success as Max.
He makes these life changes so... so much easier to navigate.
Where in your life are you creating a story that no longer serves you? What is the root of that story?
This is life without the filter,