Fuck people pleasing.
The past few weeks I've been quickly reminded about why I stopped being a people pleaser.
Like, I full on rebelled against people-pleasing years and years ago when I realized that most of the time-- you won't ever fully feel appreciated. People set expectations in their heads and don't usually speak them out loud. My expectations of peoples' reactions to the nice things I do for them/the way I play a role in their life, are set extremely high. I expect people to verbally tell me that I made them feel relaxed, that I made them feel comfortable, that I made them feel good, that the information I gave them was helpful, that they way I listened to them made them feel heard, that the personal info I shared with them made them feel empathized with, that the effort I made was... noticed.
I like to feel noticed.
I like to feel appreciated.
And so does everyone else.
Every time I focus on pleasing someone, rather than just honoring myself-- being loving and kind and authentic, I'm disappointed in the reciprocation.
And of course that's not about them at all. It's about me. It's my issue that I'm disappointed. Why? Whyyyy am I disappointed? I think I'm disappointed because, I'm really stressed out. I put all of my energy into my business, my clients, my relationship, and my health. If something else adds stress or pressure, I expect the people in my life to empathize with me and know that I am fragile. Empathy. I expect the people around me, or even people that read this blog/my social that internet-know-me, to be empathetic.
Empathy always comes up, and sometimes I just feel like we don't fail at understanding the basic concept that everyone is going through their own shit, but that we fail at taking a moment to pause and listen instead of just responding. We don't take nearly enough time to come from a place of understanding. We are quick to still stand in our selfishness... our wants... our needs... OUR shit-- before taking that pause and asking ourselves: is what I'm about to say out of love and kindness? is this all about me, am I considering the other person? where can I be kinder? more patient? how can I create the space for openness and no stress?
I'm the biggest advocate for selfishness and how it can be the best thing for us to root down in as humans. But I'm not an advocate for being inconsiderate or having a lack of empathy.
Most of us are ticking time bombs waiting to burst. We don't need a break up or sudden debt or any life catastrophe to be the thing that breaks us. Sometimes it takes one word, one feeling, one wave of energy that knocks us down flat on our face.
I've just... had one of those weeks. Where I want to stomp my feet and scream at the top of my lungs at anyone who doesn't tip toe around me.
CAN'T YOU SEE? CAN'T YOU FEEL? DON'T YOU NOTICE? I'M ABOUT TO BURST. I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN. MY CUP IS FULL ENOUGH FOR THE THINGS THAT IT NEEDS TO BE FILLED FOR. PLEASE SUGARCOAT AND SANDWICH ALL OF THE BAD BETWEEN LOTS OF GOOD. I NEED FUCKING CUSHIONING RIGHT NOW, MAN.
People pleasing is a war within ourselves and actually has nothing to do with wanting to please other people. We want acceptance. We want appreciation. We want love. We want affection. We want to know that we are good enough, doing enough, being enough. And oddly enough we won't ever be satisfied if we only search for those things within other people's approval. We will find it in the moments of us walking outside and looking up and around... pausing... breathing... smiling. We will find it in the moments of us clocking out and signing off to clock & sign into what we need... our current feelings... our current wants.
I'm going to go take a breath. Happy Wednesday. (forgot to submit this last night)
This is life without the filter,