• katie

"What was your score for the Open?!"

Updated: Mar 1, 2019

In Crossfit, whether you are trying to be a competitive athlete or just enjoying becoming fitter, happier, and healthier in the community of Crossfit-- the Open is the time of the year where everyone is encouraged to test themselves. Push themselves a little faster, a little further, a little longer, and post their scores so that the following year they can see their improvements. There are a total of 5 weeks, and every Friday-Monday you can complete the weekly posted workout, and submit your score online and see where you placed worldwide, countrywide, statewide, or in your gym. It's an awesome way to kick up your motivation every single year. You identify where you could be faster and stronger, and overall what you need to work on in order to become a fitter individual.

From a competition in 2018 with some of the greatest friendships I've ever known.

I'll get into how I started Crossfit and why I love it in a different post... But for today, I'm talking about the question that brought out all of the things I needed to feel this week:

"What was your score for the Open?!"

I was asked more than 10 times this first week of the Open.

And my response was exactly what it should be:

"I got the score that I deserved. I have not been putting fitness in my list of priorities."

My score was pretty bad. I didn't work for a better score and I knew that.

My score was a reflection of my priorities.

Yes, I started a business less than 7 months ago.

Yes, I quit my job and moved out of my house less than 7 months ago.

Yes, I cut my income more than half to start FNF less than 7 months ago.

Yes, I started managing 20 clients' nutrition and life dilemmas less than 7 months ago.

Yes, I started producing content all day, every day, on Instagram less than 7 months ago.

Yes, I started teaching yoga 3x/week less than 7 months ago.

Less than 7 months ago my life changed in ways I never thought it would.

And it's changing faster & faster every single day. But with a career and a life rooted in fitness and nutrition-- I never imagined myself to put my fitness goals on the back burner. This time last year I envisioned all of the milestones I would be hitting today with my lifts going up, being able to do muscle ups, being able to RX everything... I had no idea how life would be today. I didn't even consider it.

I'm currently managing two social media accounts, my personal account to keep my following there and in the loop, and my business account to keep drawing traffic to our nutrition coaching services.

I also just hired additional coaches to take on more clients that love what Functional Nutrition Fitness stands for... So I'm educating a team about my system and my approach and helping them along the way.

I'm booking seminars and workshops at least 2x/month and I am teaching all of them alone.

I feel like I am tripping over myself every single day

and some days it feels like I can't catch myself.

When I got the score I deserved in fitness, I left the gym feeling totally grounded that my priorities are elsewhere, exactly where they need to be. I didn't need a good score in the Open to solidify anything about who I am or my worth. I was sure of it.

But the next day everything just felt... suffocating.

I stared blankly at emails and client text messages.

I scrolled mindlessly on Instagram feeling anything but enthused.

I ignored call after call for things I need to be handling on the backend of the business.

I felt like a failure.

That I was coaching all of these individuals on fitness, life, and nutrition, and I didn't feel... Fit ENOUGH. Happy ENOUGH. Healthy or shredded ENOUGH. I felt like I wasn't being enough.

I sobbed to Max and let it out and explained all of that. I realized yes, maybe I have to prioritize my business and my clients above fitness. But there was no justifying why I would ever not prioritize myself over anything else. I wanted to step outside of my body, shake myself, saying 'Look at what is happening! You are falling apart! Your cup is empty! You have to breathe, you have to clock out, you have to slow down. Give yourself some fucking grace, Katie."

It's easier said than done.

We thrive on a balance of being selfish & selfless.

And I thought that my time being selfless was fulfilling me... But it wasn't.

I looked back and realized I hadn't taken one entire day off since I started this business, and everything came crashing down. I couldn't stop crying. I was hiccuping while trying to get words out-- I couldn't control how sad I felt in one single moment. I just wanted to be held and told I was pretty enough, fit enough, lean enough, doing enough, being enough-- I just wanted the recognition. And not because I craved attention, but because I so badly needed the permission to give myself a break. I so badly needed those words of being "enough" to bring the bar that I set so high for myself every day just a little lower so I could reach it better. I so badly needed to hear that stronger lifts and better gymnastics didn't define my enoughness. I so badly needed to know that there were so many other pieces of me that reflected strong, hardworking, dedicated, and exceptional.

Being asked about my score in the Open wasn't something

that someone shouldn't ask me.

Being asked about my score in the Open was oddly enough,

the exact question I needed to be asked

to not reflect on where I could do MORE or be BETTER...

but to reflect on where I need to do less.

To reflect and appreciate the PROS that were outweighing the CONS of why I wasn't "as fit" as I wanted to be.

After falling asleep with a migraine from sobbing so hard and releasing so much energy at 8pm on a Tuesday, I woke up Wednesday feeling off still. Because now that I had released all of those thoughts and feelings, said them out loud to the people in my support system, I knew I had to execute. Today I had to be better for me. I had to set boundaries. I had to clock out. I had to relax. I had to be okay with the effort I could emotionally afford to put forward.

I went to Crossfit at 6am, felt really great during the WOD, went grocery shopping, and took a killer 2 and a half hour nap when I got home. I woke up panicked (as usual) expecting to see missed emails, texts, calls, social media notifications... But this one time-- I woke up to zero missed notifications. Not a single one. Seeing that I didn't miss anything and that no one needed me truly hit me...

I am not always needed.

I am not always 'not doing enough'.

It's time to prioritize me.

It's time to slow down and be fulfilled.

Things aren't always as planned and as pretty as you expect them to be. We don't get to choose what people say to us, the questions they ask us, their mannerisms when they approach us, and we sure as fuck don't get to shape our day to be how we want it to be. Life doesn't work that way. It doesn't soften when you need to soften, it doesn't slow down when you need to slow down. You have to decide. To ignore and bottle up, or to reflect and look inward.

I chose to reflect and look inward.

I chose to take an inhale,

take an exhale,

to cry,

to yell,

to breathe,

and feel it all.

This is life without the filter.